The Papal Toad
I have formulated a new theology based on the veneration of the amphibian kind. As the papal head, and mouthpiece for all ecclesiastical endeavours, I assert unequivocally that the image of Frog is invested in each one of us, from the tadpole to the boldly singing adult bullfrog.
The meritoriousness of my religious edifice will centre on the election of various elites to embody and exemplify laudable traits. For example, Kermit symbolises musicality and musical collaboration. Freddo symbolises sweetness of character and a saccharin tongue, and the value of the confectionery sector. Toad of Toad Hall represents affluence and the landed gentry, and to an extent the exuberance and bliss of motor sports. Hypnotoad from Futurama with his enigmatic, spiralling eyes represents the continuance of psychedelic open mindedness and 70’s era creativity. Frogger, from the video game, epitomizes physical dexterity and dextrous coordination, having plentitudionous experience hopping across the road. These are all incredible virtues that young frogs would love to actualise.
I am going to author an amphibian equivalent of the Bible. It will be composed in Latinate vernacular and foretell the messianic appearance of Frogger The Second at an unspecified future moment. There will be an old and newt testament. It will come replete with an in built hymnal. The main inclusions will be, “How Great Thy Croak”, “Jebediah was a Bullfrog”, Kermit’s rendition of “The Rainbow Connection”, and “Be Thou My Vision of the Swamp” and “Nearer My Frog to Thee”.
I will co-ordinate this global movement from my lily pad in the bayou. My garb will be indubitably pompous, to a point of garishness, entirely ornate and represent shades of green. I will wear a range of symbolic headgear, including the zucchetto, the mitre, the papal tiara, and the camauro. The other frogs will be obliged to defer and curtsey as I pass. Cardinal frogs will bulge out their necks as a sign of affection. The way to cleanse sin will be through harmonised croaking and exposure to ultra violet light in carefully prescribed amounts. Just as the priest at the confessional prescribes the Hail Mary to sinners…
