The Thieving Vegetarian

The thieving vegetarian,
Pursued his prey by torchlight,
Pacing down the laneways dim,
After the stroke of midnight,

Harboured in his breast he kept,
A ravenous desire,
To lift the vegetables and pulses,
From the garden wire,

Cuthbert Guthrie Montague,
His rather pompous name,
Known to all and sundry for his,
Cheating, roguish game,

Three townhouse gardens, just last week,
He’d pilfered from with cunning,
Jumping fences, styles and walls,
By dexterously running,

Pockets filled with lima beans,
And carrots from the dirt,
Along with peas and pumpkin seeds,
Sequestered in his shirt,

He’d go for helpless cabbages,
Or radishes or rhubarb,
Put away without delay,
Within his navy blue garb,

He’d mumble things when rummaging,
Around the veggie patches,
Saying “come my dearies,
Let me cook you into batches…”

For he would have his food prepared,
Beforehand with precision,
Doling out five meals or so,
To form the week’s provision,

Then crawling through the hedges,
Once again, just like a cat,
He’d pilfer plums with snipping thumbs,
And vanish like a bat,

Then one night, the stark lamplight,
Identified his jacket,
And down the steps the butcher leapt,
And screamed a perfect racket…

You get away you creeping crawling,
Rhubarb raiding fellow!
I’ll call the callous cops on you!
He’d vehemently bellow,

Cuthbert’s face went turnip pink,
Aroused and bright with fear;
I think I’ll quit this garden quick,
And swiftly disappear!

He slunk away through laneways grey,
Returning to his townhouse,
Within a mile and built in style,
The architecture Bauhaus,

That damned butcher bellowing,
And taunting me with threats!
I hope he sees a plague of fleas,
On all his precious pets!

Then for some needed therapy,
To set his mind at ease,
He cooked a soup of celery,
And garnished it with peas…

I think it is a malady,
This vegetable obsession,
And after this affront tonight,
I’ll shapen my discretion,

I’ll get a suit of black not blue,
Before I make nocturnal raids,
And once again I’ll brew my stew,
From veggie garden escapades!

AD Lovkis, 01/06/25